Toxic positivity

Toxic positivity viewpoint as a therapist

Let’s set the scene- you’re going through something tough and you’re venting to a trusted person in your life. Then they respond with THE response… “Try not to worry too much about it, everything happens for a reason, and it will all work out”. The trifecta.

You’re probably immediately thinking this person can’t hold space for me, they don’t understand what I’m going through, and what I’m dealing with is too heavy for them. That utter feeling of being deflated by their response after what you’ve just shared with them.

Toxic positivity- Pressure to be happy and positive all the time no matter the circumstances.

Healthy positivity- Being optimistic and having room for reality.

When I’m talking about toxic positivity as a therapist, I’m talking about offering a simple solution to a complicated problem you know nothing about.

This can be muddy water because as the person who is trying to be there for a loved one, the toxic positivity comments can be very invalidating to the person who’s sharing.

A better response: Think to yourself how can I try to understand and show empathy and validation instead? Convey that you care about them and what they are going through and check in with them later, so they know you’re still thinking of them.

We aren’t necessarily searching for a solution to the problem; unless the other person communicates that to you. That’s called unsolicited advice, my friend 😊 but that’s a topic for another day.

On the other side of things, you can experience toxic positivity with your own thoughts.

It’s common to think, is something wrong with me if I’m not happy or positive all the time? When you have great things going on in your life and experiencing milestones but you’re not happy ALL the time we can start to question, am I ungrateful for what I have? Is there something wrong with me? Am I depressed?

There’s a difference between clinical depression, and the reality of fluctuating emotions. I’m here to tell you it’s OKAY to be sad at times even if life is good.

And dun dun dun...this can at times stem from the age of social media where we only share happy things and we’re shamed by others if we aren’t. Check in with yourself- am I following people that lift me up? Am I playing the comparison game every time I scroll? Just like choosing wisely who we are friends with and who we spend our time with- it’s equally as important to feel lifted up when using social media.

So, what can I do about this?

Great question. Coming to an acceptance of your present life and circumstances can greatly help your overall mindset. Acceptance doesn’t mean you approve of or give up on the aspects in your life you want to change or disklike. It means that you acknowledge it exists so you can make choices that help you reach your goals.

When we take approval out of the picture and just say, ‘I can’t change the past, the present is what it is, I don’t need to like it, I can sit with it,’ there comes a deep sense of calm.

Now, I’m not telling you to become negative nelly and point out all the bad. The mindset shift of acceptance helps you realize that even if you’re having a bad day or a bad week you know that it’s not a bad life. Let’s learn to accept the bad days and know they will pass.